Friday, January 31, 2014

I've got a CrossFit Problem

They say the first step to recovering from an addiction is to recognize the issue at hand.

So there's mine: I have a CrossFit problem.
I did not know I had one.  It was brought to my attention quite recently.


My husband has always said I have a CrossFit problem (keep in mind he does not do the sport)...but ya know...he thinks I have a problem with everything I throw myself into...you see, I'm pretty much an all or nothing person.  I'm all in...or I'm all out!  I put my every effort and thought into whatever I am passionate about at that moment.  Over the years that has been running, triathlons, International adoption, growing my fitness business, personal training...and on and on.  I will go so far as to push everything else aside, to determinedly accomplish what I put my mind too.  And...that drives him absolutely bonkers.  He accepts it, just doesn't understand it!  And I can't seem to help it. Thank God he helps keep me grounded.  I need it! And I recognize that.  So it works...usually.

Anyway...I still didn't think I had a problem.  I love CrossFit.  It has changed my whole view of working out, fitness, and training others.  I love the people that CrossFit.  The community aspect.  I love coaching and instructing CrossFit.  I love seeing people progress and grow..get stronger, more confident, and more fit...and walk out of the gym each day a little bit taller.  I love talking about CrossFit.  Reading about it.  Researching it.  I love the style.  I love the mentality of all the people that do CrossFit. (even my clients) The culture. Amazing. All of it.  I love.

I also love Jesus.  And Jesus loves me more.  So when I prayed this prayer, on my knees one morning, a month or so back..."God, please remove anything in my life that is taking the place that belongs to you..." And truly meant it... I had NO idea how my life was about to change.  (Deep down I knew I was craving my personal, desperate for more, deeply passionate relationship with my God.  One that I experienced so strongly at certain times of my life. Most recently with our adoption of Blake.  And our diagnosis of Leah.)  I had gotten away from that...somewhere.  And therefore, began to lose myself.  But did not realize how much.  Or what it would mean.  

@Jesus Calling, "Worship me only. Whatever occupies your mind the most becomes your god...But I rejoice when your mind turns to me.."

And BAM!  That all became apparent.

You see, I'm the kind that God can't whisper too lightly on things that need addressed in my life.  At least most of the time.  He has to grab me by the shoulders, and shake me up, to get my attention.  Sometimes I even feel like He gives me a swift kick in the rear or a gentle slap on the cheek before I snap out of my haze.  As if He says "Anna!!! (snap* snap* of His fingers) Refocus!!!

Long story short. CrossFit has been reduced in my life.  In a way I never saw coming.  Or would have ever wanted.  But God knew needed to happen.  And was probably the only way I'd step back from the sport. 

I had become powerless over my obsession with the sport. My character was even brought into question.  God has slowly been peeling back the layers of the onion, one by one.  Revealing my true heart.  And it hurts.  It cuts like a knife.  It is messy.  It is humbling.  It is a day to day battle of emotions.  Of trust. Of questioning.  Of truth. 

For some reason, I LIVE for this madness. :)
I know God has put some big goals in my heart and in my mind with CrossFit coaching and competing.  To compete at a higher level.  To coach at a higher level.  I know He has a plan for my gifts and my desires. Someday.  Not today. "There is the birth of a dream.  The death of a dream.  And the resurrection of a dream."  But right now He also has to work through some weaknesses...just like in the sport...it's NOT fun.  Nor easy.

I have heard this before but have been clinging to it more closely as of late, "Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been, to stand up taller than you ever were..."

And as of now, I have no idea what my future in the sport looks like.  I'm just wading through the mess.  One step at a time.  Hip deep.  Moving forward.  Trusting.  Only in Him.  In His plan.  His timing.  At times, defiantly.  Wading in and out of peace. Wanting my own way.  Trying to manipulate the situation in my favor.  With words or actions.  But always returning.  Back to trusting.  It's all I can do.  As God has His way with my heart.  And in humble submission I am...

 ...ever hopeful.

@Jesus Calling, "Seek My face, and you will find more than you ever dreamed possible...I am the goal of your searching.  When you seek Me, you find Me and are satisfied.  When lesser goals capture your attention, I fade into the background of your life.  I am still there, watching and waiting; but you function as if you were alone....live radiantly by expanding your focus to include Me in all your moments...Let nothing dampen your search for Me..."

I am trying Lord, I am trying. 


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