Thoughts from 12 years ago

It seems the reality of exiting my 20's has been closing in on me lately.

I have caught myself reflecting on how I envisioned my life to be just a mere 12 years ago...
I hoped to be a practicing professional with at least a Master's Degree.
Possibly married.
NO children...yet.
Comfortable living.
Traveling. 

Life would be good.

Then someone poops their pants and SNAP! back to reality. 

I decided to choose God's life for me.
Humility, anyone?
Less glamor.
Less glitz. 
No comfort...ha!

I chose a life where I drive a minivan and get a cheap thrill from 2 college guys honking at me from their sporty car while waiting on a drink at Sonic...or at least I thought, until I turned the other way and saw a car full of cute blondes parked behind me.  

Or the natural high I got from a lady asking me if I had my children while in high school because I looked too young to have 3 kiddos...God bless her, I think.  Wasn't really sure how to respond to that one at first..!

Or the realization that I am now being asked to go back to college campuses and speak about my life experiences...In my mind, I only graduated a year or so ago...

So then I direct my thoughts to my future...hoping for something exciting to come.

Maybe I'll go back and get my Master's Degree...or even my Ph.D...
Maybe we'll travel somewhere exotic someday...and not bring home a baby this time.
Maybe...

Then someone drags a half-full roll of toilet paper that is unwinding from the holder on the wall still attached in the bathroom into the living room...and SNAP! back to reality.

I ran a 5K race this past weekend and obviously haven't had time to train appropriately, but still had this vision in my head of placing in the top 10 like in my younger days...well, SNAP! back to reality at mile 2...obviously started out too fast.  My prayers went from "Lord, thank you for my ability to be out enjoying your creation" at the 1/2 mile marker...to "Lord, grant your angels permission to pick me up and carry me across that finish line" at mile 2.  I finished the race all in one piece and suddenly realized that I was the oldest in my age group now....whoa!  So that is my new crutch for future disappointing race performances..ha!

But, for some reason I can't seem to be 'okay' with doing God's will for me and my husband and kids.  I still desire that "glamorous" life I have created in my mind as being better, more fun, more exciting...

I keep feeling like I'm wandering aimlessly waiting for God's will to be laid upon my heart next, but I'm starting to think it's just me feeling like I have no direction or way.  Simply because I'm searching for something that isn't there right now...I am living and doing God's will for my life day in and day out at this time.  That is His will for me.

Again, no glam or glitz.
Just humble living.

I'm beginning to think its tougher living humbly and being 'okay' with living there, than living with lots in a glamorous life.  At least it is for me.

So as I enter my 30's, I am working to let go of all my dreams and hopes for myself, as those have not played out to anything as of yet...

But continue to live life here. now.
In humility.

But will not put down the random bystander asking me if I'm the babysitter of my crazy crew of kids, and if their mommy was working today...