Friday, April 6, 2012

A Survival Guide for My Home

Just in case you ever come to visit or stay at our house, I want to inform you of a few survival tips.  These are key to your success, and to us ever having friends want to come stay again!  Don't say I didn't warn you...

1. If you go to the bathroom, plan on visitors.  Or helpers I guess you could say...
---Make sure to put the toilet paper up high by either removing the whole roll from the wall and putting it on the top shelf or hold it the entire time you do your business...check each of the baby's mouths for any stowaway toilet paper scraps they may have picked up while you weren't looking or were focused on doing other things.
---Scan the bathroom before you plan to exit and make sure all the kids are out...there will likely be one in the clothes hamper closet, one in the tub, and one under the sink or in the bottom drawer of the vanity.

2.  Don't leave your clothes, make-up, or delicate's bag open or within reach. 
---Panties make great necklaces and hats, especially the fancy ones.  Hats and necklaces we only put on when strangers ring our doorbell selling things. 
---All bras and lingerie are considered swimsuits to 5-year don't be surprised to find my child wearing one of your bras or fancy lingerie, sitting on a bench seat stacked on top of our living room recliner, with a whistle in her mouth, pretending to "guard" all the kid's swimming below. 
---Bags make great hiding places for candy that no one else should find hidden, old milk cups, sticky half-eaten suckers, dirty diapers dug out of the diaper pail...
---Tampons make fun toys to carry around, they so closely resemble candy wrappers that the kids are sure to fight over them!

3.  Don't have my children help you with anything you don't want the world to know about.
---Don't start a fitness/nutrition program that requires you to take before and after photos in your swimsuit and ask my oldest to snap the pics...she's likely to tell everyone at a family wedding shower, during sharing time, that sometimes she has to take pictures of her mommy in a little bra and panties...
---Don't hide gifts that you don't want anyone to find until the occasion, they will be dug out and carried into living room for all to see...

4.  You better lock the door while showering because nearly all 3 kids have figured out how to bang on the bathroom door hard enough to bust it open...and if that's not the case, the oldest will walk right in, not even notice you are showering, use the stool, and walk right out leaving the door open for all other's to enter
---At that point you will have a fully clothed 1 and 2 -year old in the shower/bath at your feet within seconds--one will turn the hot and cold button back and forth while the other will dump all the soap and shampoo down the drain after removing all the lids.

5. Don't plan to eat all of your own food or to have any conversation over dinner.
---One kid will need another fork before you sit down...and you might as well grab 2 more forks while you are at it because the baby's tend to get jealous easily.  After the fork situation is settled, you can probably sit for a minute before the baby's begin their food charades.  One child will put her fruit on her head and rubs it in...then the other will take his mashed potatoes and smear it in his hair...laughing will follow, which leads to more...a sippy cup will go flying between high chairs, IF the lid stays on, it will get thrown back...if the lid comes off and the drink spills out the splashing will begin.  Someone will have to get a rag and clean up the mess and end the food might get to sit some more before the screaming ensues.  One child will be tired of sitting, want more food, refuse to eat his/her vegetables and throws a fit, or is mad because he/she can't get the drink that just spilled all over the table back, or has pooped, or simply wants to make everyone else go crazy. 
---The kids will finish up eating so you can finally sit down and enjoy your cold meal.  But just as soon as you sit down, you have one child at your feet begging and the other climbing up on the table via the chair beside you.  While tending to the child under your feet, the other will be up on the table picking at the food on your plate, or spilling your drink, or throwing the napkins and silverware on the floor and laughing at the cool sound it makes.  The older child will be in the living room asking how much longer til bedtime, if she can have a playdate next Tuesday, telling you she wants a snack and is still hungry (after not eating dinner), and wants to go outside. 

6. Never plan to get a good night's sleep here, or plan to sleep in.  That is, if anything later than 7 am is sleeping in...because it is here.
---Your head will hit the pillow about 10, probably a good 2 hours later someone will be up crying for no logical reason.  If you are lucky, the other 2 will stay asleep...their time is coming later in the night.  Several hours later, the oldest will be up asking if she can have more water in her cup...or telling you there is a spider on her window wanting to bite her because it said so...or has forgotten where the bathroom is (right next to her bedroom).  Get her back to sleep, and one of the baby's is up for her nightly escapade...usually about 3-4 am.  Get her soothed back down, the other baby moved to the 'extra' crib in the laundry room, made especially for nights' like this one, so maybe someone will sleep a few hours straight.
---The screaming 1 and 2-year old alarm clocks will begin to go off about 6:30 am...but no one who can help can usually move until 7 least.

More tips to come...

1 comment:

  1. LOL..Sounds sooo familiar!! You have a beautiful family.