I have spoken some of my stress/frustration/and progress with rethinking everything I know about Leah, our almost-7-year old. Having known for 5 years that something was just not 'right' in my mom-gut, and finally after lots and lots of pushing/testing/asking questions we sort of got an answer and some direction.
We are approaching Leah's Dx of Asperger's with a whole new set of rules. After doing in my mind, what you'd call "all wrong" up until now....we have a lot of rewiring to do. With myself being the one needing to make the most changes.
Here's where I'm at...
Scenario 1: I am begging, pleading and arguing with Leah about wearing socks...because you have to wear socks...you'll get blisters if you don't wear socks...your shoes will stink terribly if you don't wear socks...threatening, disciplining her defiance and her inability to follow the rules...getting angry and ruining my whole morning...sometimes even sending her to school late after we have both been in tears...reasons for wearing socks...
What I now know...Socks...make her feet feel like they are on fire. Literally. One little seam out of place, one shoe tied to tight, one strap rubbing wrong can send her into a tantrum, a shut-down, knock-out, drag-down temper. So to her, in her mind, to avoid wearing the socks means avoiding the burning feeling and avoiding an uncontrollable tantrum...
It's not a defiance. It's a sensory issue.
Scenario 2: It's a Tuesday in the spring, usually mid-April. Leah comes busting in the backdoor with that wild look in her eye. I can see it before she even opens her mouth and makes it obvious...she is in a bad mood. She throws her bag down in the middle of the kitchen floor, kicks her lunch box at me and demands something to eat. More like yells...and follows it up with "hurry, NOW!" I take a deep breath, ask her to go to her room until she can cool off. I then go to her room to tell her she will lose privileges if she talks to me like that because it is not respectful and it is not how we get what we want. I demonstrate how she could ask nicely next time and offer her the chance to come try it again. She comes back into the kitchen and begins to ask nicely like I showed her, but ends with yelling and kicks a chair... Of course I get mad and yell at her to return to her room...no TV programs tonight...then covers her ears with her hands and tells me to stop yelling and that she hates me. I lose it and begin yelling more...
What I now know...And found out later...they had a tornado drill at the end of the day...the siren sounded for over a minute..loudly...and it felt like a dentist drill digging into a nerve...screeching and piercing and never stopping...in her mind. It was painful. She could not get the sound out of her head...it was scary. And she didn't know what to do or how to make it stop, or where to go, or why everyone was getting in line, or why the teacher stopped what she was doing so fast and changed her tone of voice...
It was too much. Her fear and anxieties from that sound sent her over the edge and spilled over into the after-school hours. She held it together until she got home. Then she didn't know how to deal with it. She couldn't express what had happened until hours later, when the sound had left her brain for the time being. She still couldn't really tell me why she was so mad and upset when she got home. And I've also learned a hunger issue. Behaviors are magnified when she is tired/hungry.
It's not a defiance. It's a sensory, anxiety, and fear issue.
Scenario 3: We are at a basketball game. It's a Friday night. There are people screaming. A band playing. Horns buzzing. Coaches yelling. Players running. The smell of popcorn butter is floating through the gym into every corner and crevice. We are watching the game. Chatting with people nearby. The buzzer goes off its time to go home. Game over. We get into the van. Leah is bouncing, literally, off the backseat. She's talking really loudly, in an uncontrollable, manner. Asking a thousand questions a minute without waiting for the answer to be replied. She's ignoring our pleas to calm down, to breathe. To be quiet. This carries over to the house where she slams every door she walks through. She flicks all the lights on. She starts climbing up the couch, getting herself as high off the ground as she can. Chanting and arguing with our demands to get down. Pulls on the curtains which she knows the consequences too. Says "No" in defiance to our asking her to get ready for bed. To brush her teeth. This goes on and on until we have to physically pick her up and put her in her room. We undress her, while she continues to flail her arms and legs. Yelling. Then crying. We discipline her in the moment. Then force her to brush her teeth, get her PJ's on, turn on her CD of music, turn on her lamp, turn off her room light...and tell her we aren't reading a book tonight because she isn't being obedient. She cries and screams, and kicks and yells. We discipline her again. Makes things worse...
What I now know...It is sensory overload for her. She cannot process all of the sensory activities going on in a contained gym all at once. And we can't expect her to turn it all off with a snap of a finger either. There has to be a transition, a preparation phase, a calming phase, a transitioning object even...or a complete avoidance of these games for now. She cannot handle it all...plain and simple.
She is not acting out. She can't manage all the sensations she experienced.
These are the types of things I'm having to readjust my thinking toward. I have always defaulted to her being "strong willed and defiant, naughty, disobedient, ungrateful, not disciplined enough..." So my solution was always to be more stern, more strict, more disciplined, to invoke harsher punishment. It seemed so cut and dry. That's what works for all other children. It should work for mine.
Problem was...it wasn't working. And it still isn't. But old habits die hard. And on top of that, I'm still differentiating between what is normal defiance and just being a naughty 7-year old and what is related to a sensory malfunction or overstimulation. It's a constant mind-battle for me/us. But we are learning. We are researching. We are educating ourselves.
We are approaching Leah's Dx of Asperger's with a whole new set of rules. After doing in my mind, what you'd call "all wrong" up until now....we have a lot of rewiring to do. With myself being the one needing to make the most changes.
Here's where I'm at...
Scenario 1: I am begging, pleading and arguing with Leah about wearing socks...because you have to wear socks...you'll get blisters if you don't wear socks...your shoes will stink terribly if you don't wear socks...threatening, disciplining her defiance and her inability to follow the rules...getting angry and ruining my whole morning...sometimes even sending her to school late after we have both been in tears...reasons for wearing socks...
What I now know...Socks...make her feet feel like they are on fire. Literally. One little seam out of place, one shoe tied to tight, one strap rubbing wrong can send her into a tantrum, a shut-down, knock-out, drag-down temper. So to her, in her mind, to avoid wearing the socks means avoiding the burning feeling and avoiding an uncontrollable tantrum...
It's not a defiance. It's a sensory issue.
Scenario 2: It's a Tuesday in the spring, usually mid-April. Leah comes busting in the backdoor with that wild look in her eye. I can see it before she even opens her mouth and makes it obvious...she is in a bad mood. She throws her bag down in the middle of the kitchen floor, kicks her lunch box at me and demands something to eat. More like yells...and follows it up with "hurry, NOW!" I take a deep breath, ask her to go to her room until she can cool off. I then go to her room to tell her she will lose privileges if she talks to me like that because it is not respectful and it is not how we get what we want. I demonstrate how she could ask nicely next time and offer her the chance to come try it again. She comes back into the kitchen and begins to ask nicely like I showed her, but ends with yelling and kicks a chair... Of course I get mad and yell at her to return to her room...no TV programs tonight...then covers her ears with her hands and tells me to stop yelling and that she hates me. I lose it and begin yelling more...
What I now know...And found out later...they had a tornado drill at the end of the day...the siren sounded for over a minute..loudly...and it felt like a dentist drill digging into a nerve...screeching and piercing and never stopping...in her mind. It was painful. She could not get the sound out of her head...it was scary. And she didn't know what to do or how to make it stop, or where to go, or why everyone was getting in line, or why the teacher stopped what she was doing so fast and changed her tone of voice...
It was too much. Her fear and anxieties from that sound sent her over the edge and spilled over into the after-school hours. She held it together until she got home. Then she didn't know how to deal with it. She couldn't express what had happened until hours later, when the sound had left her brain for the time being. She still couldn't really tell me why she was so mad and upset when she got home. And I've also learned a hunger issue. Behaviors are magnified when she is tired/hungry.
It's not a defiance. It's a sensory, anxiety, and fear issue.
Scenario 3: We are at a basketball game. It's a Friday night. There are people screaming. A band playing. Horns buzzing. Coaches yelling. Players running. The smell of popcorn butter is floating through the gym into every corner and crevice. We are watching the game. Chatting with people nearby. The buzzer goes off its time to go home. Game over. We get into the van. Leah is bouncing, literally, off the backseat. She's talking really loudly, in an uncontrollable, manner. Asking a thousand questions a minute without waiting for the answer to be replied. She's ignoring our pleas to calm down, to breathe. To be quiet. This carries over to the house where she slams every door she walks through. She flicks all the lights on. She starts climbing up the couch, getting herself as high off the ground as she can. Chanting and arguing with our demands to get down. Pulls on the curtains which she knows the consequences too. Says "No" in defiance to our asking her to get ready for bed. To brush her teeth. This goes on and on until we have to physically pick her up and put her in her room. We undress her, while she continues to flail her arms and legs. Yelling. Then crying. We discipline her in the moment. Then force her to brush her teeth, get her PJ's on, turn on her CD of music, turn on her lamp, turn off her room light...and tell her we aren't reading a book tonight because she isn't being obedient. She cries and screams, and kicks and yells. We discipline her again. Makes things worse...
What I now know...It is sensory overload for her. She cannot process all of the sensory activities going on in a contained gym all at once. And we can't expect her to turn it all off with a snap of a finger either. There has to be a transition, a preparation phase, a calming phase, a transitioning object even...or a complete avoidance of these games for now. She cannot handle it all...plain and simple.
She is not acting out. She can't manage all the sensations she experienced.
These are the types of things I'm having to readjust my thinking toward. I have always defaulted to her being "strong willed and defiant, naughty, disobedient, ungrateful, not disciplined enough..." So my solution was always to be more stern, more strict, more disciplined, to invoke harsher punishment. It seemed so cut and dry. That's what works for all other children. It should work for mine.
Problem was...it wasn't working. And it still isn't. But old habits die hard. And on top of that, I'm still differentiating between what is normal defiance and just being a naughty 7-year old and what is related to a sensory malfunction or overstimulation. It's a constant mind-battle for me/us. But we are learning. We are researching. We are educating ourselves.
All because we have a beautiful red-head with all the potential in the world, to change the world. She just needs us to understand her...so we can help her! And for that it is worth all the frustration and mess-up's we've made to get to where we are going.
prayers and hugs
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