A "Me" Battle

"Mooooooom!!!"

"Moooommmmmmyyyyy!"

It's always something needed.  Urgently. Most importantly.  No time to wait. Now!!!

Lately, I have found myself wanting to be selfish.  Just wanting to do something for myself.  As simple as going to the bathroom...alone!  Without anyone unrolling an entire roll of toilet paper on the floor in front of me...just out of reach.  Or to take a shower...in peace...without one child trying to get in the shower fully clothed...while the other one fills the toilet full of rolls of toilet paper and attempts to flush it...while the oldest one experiments with all of my lotion and make-up at the mirror...

Or to just eat my meal without having to share bites with someone. Without having to get up to get someone another drink.  Or clean-up a spill.  Or pick up food thrown all over the floor. 

Or to watch a TV show or read a book without having to do bath time.  Clean up the kitchen.  Fold clothes.  Change diapers.  Help with homework.  Look for lost library books.  Untangle hair bows from food-matted hair.

Just to have a conversation with Jerad without someone interrupting with a bazillion questions.  Without someone opening and slamming the cabinet doors while we sit at the bar and chat.  Without a loud crash in the bedroom that requires me to go see who's crying and hurting.

Just to do a workout...my one outlet from home...without having to stop and wipe a snotty nose.  Or run inside and calm a sleeping child who awoke crying.  Or to stop and demonstrate and answer my oldest child's questions and interest in every movement.

I am not sure why I have felt this way lately or what triggered this need for selfishness.  For me.  For quiet.  I just feel like somedays its just too much. What have I gotten myself into?  Being a mom is serious business.  That requires all hands-in all the time. Whew! I have a 6, 3, and 2 year old and some days, like lately, I just have no idea what I was thinking, being a mom.  It is seriously easier work to "go to a job" away from home, then stay home.

I hate when I get into these 'funks.'  This negative feeling, suck the energy out of you, moods.  It is a mental battle of anger at myself for feeling this way, when its not my kid's faults...but also feeling like it is TOTALLY my kids' fault for me not getting these selfish desires met.  I mean who do you blame? :)

Don't get me wrong, my kids are the greatest blessing in my life, next to Jerad.  But I have just been made more aware of my selfish desires for me.  And I feel like its become a resentful, unhealthy desire as of late.  One that is stealing my joy from the daily pleasures I should be endlessly thankful for.  I'm just confessing my mental giant right now...one that I don't believe I'm alone in feeling.  So on I sojourn...

And I pray I will get out of this funk soon, or else I'm going to get in really good shape because of my need for more 'outlet' than normal right now!