Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Not Home

I have been changed.

Changed in so many ways.

Ways that I find freeing.  Ways that I find frustrating.  Ways that I still am not sure what to do with.  Ways that don't make sense to this world.  Ways that require me to surrender my thoughts.  Ways that leave me fearful and feeling inadequate.  Ways that leave me feeling overwhelmed.  Ways that lead me to joy and peace.  Ways of understanding.

So many ways, I say.

Let me explain.

Changed in ways that I find freeing: Faith CAN move mountains! (Matthew 18:20-21)
...I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

Blake Andrew is a constant reminder to me of God's goodness, blessings, and greater plan for us...if only we will take that first step of faith...what joy and abundance is in store!?

Changed in ways I find frustrating: That I have lived so selfishly up until now, following the American dream--more money, more things, more, more, more.....concerned with things of little importance.  I chose not to see the bigger picture.  I chose to live in ignorance.  And now I CAN'T STAND to hear of people chatting about wanting more, more, more, needing more, more, more, thinking they'll be happy with more, more, more.

My heart is broken, there are tears on my keyboard, streaming down my face as I write this.  What are we doing, people??

Changed in ways I am not sure what to do with: I now know this is not my home, I have sung the words to those songs that describe feeling like an alien here on this earth, and not really understanding.  NOW. I. DO.  I am not here to live for me.  I am not here to live it up.  I am not here to live comfortably.  No.  I am here to love others as God loves me.  That is ALL!  I am living too comfortably.  What will I do about that?

Changed in ways that don't make sense to this world: I don't need a smart phone.  I do not want a new car.  I do not want to make more money.  I am not in need of ANYTHING.  I want to become less.  

Changed in ways that require me to surrender my thoughts: Not ready to go there yet.

Changed in ways that make me feel fearful and inadequate: I am unsettled.  I feel burdened and broken for a reason.  I am only 1 person.  There is so much to be done.

Changed in ways that make me feel overwhelmed:  Like what to do about all of these are SO many.  Here and there.

Changed in ways that make me feel peace and joy: There are people going.  There are people who are acting on the change they have experienced.  God is alive and well.  His Spirit is moving.

Changed in ways of understanding: God doesn't call us to things that are easy.  There are sacrifices to be made.  Sleepless nights.  Inconsolable crying/screaming.  Inability to communicate.  Unanswered questions.  Years of orphanage damage to a child's trust and innocence.  Lots of undoing.  Lots of staying home.  
We learn to pray unceasingly.  Rest in peace that passes all understanding.  Feel God's living breath over us.  Hear His still small voice in nights of desperation.  See small progressions being made in answer to endless prayers.  Feel the prayers of the saints.  

That is where we desire to be.  There is no place like it.
I now understand this.

I will not lie.  I am dealing with a lot of internal bitterness and frustration.  But I don't feel it is all bad.  Because it makes me ask the tough questions.

Why don't people understand what I'm saying?  What I've seen?  What needs to be done?  What are we living for? How can we not feel the cries of these children?  What don't more people adopt? How can we not be burdened? Where is our compassion?  Where are our hearts?  What are our priorities? 

I just. don't. get. it.  When did this world get so turned around?

Ohhhh, it saddens my soul.


  1. I've basically been curled in a (n emotional) ball all day. I feel ya, sister.

  2. Our little guy isn't home yet. We just returned from our first trip to his country. I recently found the book "7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess". The author (Jen Hatmaker) is also an adoptive mom. I'm not the whole way thru the book yet, but would highly recommend it... the heart of the book is exactly what you're talking about. The print and Kindle versions are available on Amazon. Her blog is also worth your time.

  3. haha! Carla, I was going to suggest the same book.