Monday, December 29, 2014

More Me

I about choked on my drink the other day when I was flipping through my timeline from this past year on Facebook...almost exactly a year ago I posted a video of myself snatching some weight in a "12 Days of Christmas" workout at CrossFit Pathos.  I headlined the post to something of the effect that I was going to be more of myself than I've ever been in 2014.  Wow...looking back now...I see how wrong I was.

I was going to make 2014 my year of goal-achieving.  Particularly in the fitness field.  I'd devoted 2 prior years to pushing myself in CrossFit and triathlons and fitness in general past any point I had in my life, probably.  I was dedicated to be in my best shape ever.  I loved fitness, always have.  Anything competitive and challenging-I was all in.  Usually.  I felt God was calling me to big things...He and I--gonna set an example, motivate people, have success in doing so...3, 2, we go!  I was excited and on fire for God and what I had in my mind what I thought should happen, would happen...

I think I started out okay.  Posting videos of my kids and I working out...the frustrations that go along with that.  I never really liked being 'watched' working out...I don't think I ever did it for that.  I then was encouraged to keep posting videos, making a name for myself because that is how you get sponsorships...get noticed...and soon I did get noticed.  And my heart began to started to become "fulfilling" to receive comments about how I looked, or how good I was at fitness, and a slow shift began to occur...I no longer sought God's still, small voice...I slapped a picture of me working out...with a verse or two on it--and posted it for all to see...and only now do I see it.  How I was getting my 'fix', my 'fill', my 'ego boosted' through the attention I was low self-esteem was being temporarily fixed through off-hand comments about my appearance and abilities.

This obsession for fulfillment began to take over...I began to see my kids and my marriage as an anchor to  my goals...if only I had more time.  If only I didn't have to wait on them hand and foot.  If they didn't zap so much of my energy...I could do this, be this...etc.  I was a mom with 3 kids, 2 with special needs, who worked part-time, who made no excuses, who did it all.  I was out to prove that it could be done.  No one else could do what I with what I did.  Day in and day out. IT was my motivating the world it can be done. 

I became resentful and bitter. About as far from myself as I could get at that point...which is so ironic.

I sought to be more of myself than ever in 2014...when I should have been seeking to be less of myself...and let God be more.  I  subscribed to motivational quotes and authors on Twitter, I read inspirational articles about "You can do anything if you put your mind to!" "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!"  "Do more. Be more." "Don't let anything get in your way." "Dream big. Go Big or Go home."  "YOLO."  And on and on.  Screaming at me...that I could do anything.  Be anything.  Constantly pushing.  And I believed it.  I pushed.  I sacrificed.  I gave it my all.  I worked hard. At work. At training.

And still came up short.  Dry.  Unfulfilled.

I am weak.  I need Him to be strong.
That is all I know for this year.
I am making no claims.
I am resting.  No big goals. No big "projects" for God. I have been living for this world way to long.  And I am tired.  I have been going big for God for years...and most likely going big my own way-to make a name for myself in this world, and not His...hence the reason I'm so exhausted.  I've been running.  From a lot.  And I have decided to stop. 

I am unplugging. Disconnecting.
Being still. Being wife and mom.
Living by faith.  Meaning being small, so God can be Big.  Living for Heaven. Not for Earth.

That is all. For 2015.

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