Perceptions

I was discussing working out, coaching, and personal training with a fellow class participant the other night.  We discussed how people coach differently, and have different expectations of their clients.  How the cultures of gyms are different and therefore attract different types of exercisers.  She was explaining to me how somedays she walks into the gym and just doesn't feel like pushing herself.  Especially after working all day, taking care of her kids, and everything else life may bring...she just mentally checks out and may loaf through her workout.  Being competitive and training with a purpose or goal in mind, just is NOT on her radar.  She works out to relieve stress, maintain her health, and feel good about herself.  And somedays only because she HAS too, she pays a membership, she better use it. 

Then she looks at me and says, "something you would NEVER understand."  And laughs.

I was caught off guard.  I have already been facing my inner demon of worrying what others think about me.  My realization of how much I let what people think or might think of me, affect how I think, act, speak, or believe. Again. 

So where a comment like this may not have jarred me so much before, it did this particular day. I couldn't shake what she said from my thoughts.  "What does she mean by that?"  "Am I not relatable?"  "Does she think I don't experience those same thoughts/feelings from time to time?"  "Who does she think I really am?"  "What am I portraying about myself, as an athlete and coach?"

This last question is one I pondered the most. 
I asked my husband about it.  And my mom, of course.
Prayed about it. Of course.

And what I've realized is that it is one thing to worry about what people think of me and let it change who I truly am.  And another to be sensitive to how I portray myself, day to day.  How I come across.  Who or what am I representing in the bigger picture?

I have really never given thought to what the sum of what I put out there about myself equals...you following?  I am more of a here and now thinker/doer. 

Most people know I am a personal trainer and coach.  It's my job.  My life.  Therefore, I talk about it a lot.  I share videos and articles about it a lot on social media.  I post videos of myself working out a lot.  Other post pictures of me working out.  I post videos of my clients working out.  And their individual progress.  

Here is why:  To me, my goal is to inspire.  To motivate.  To encourage.  To educate. 
I am passionate about it.  It excites me, energizes me.  Challenges me.   I also have real goals.  Big ones.  I work hard, really hard.  It is the only way I know how to approach anything.

Here is what it may appear as to others (I'm just now realizing):  I like to look at myself and want others to as well.  To show off.  To brag about how much weight I can lift.   I am another one of those annoying people drinking the CrossFit Kool-Aid.  I am not relatable to the everyday exerciser.  I don't understand struggles other women face.  I am advertising.  That I don't realize there are more important things in life than exercising/CrossFit.

Why these thoughts seem so completely far away from who I am and what I know about myself as an individual...they may not appear so, to others.  

In fact, I do struggle. In real ways.  Just like everyone else. 
And where I may share that in my life as a mom, wife, and in my spiritual walk--I may not in my work, my exercising and my personal training.  Possibly because I have more confidence in this area than I do the others, perhaps?  Not sure.  But it is there.  The fear. Doubt. Lack of motivation someday's. 

I am thankful for this being brought to my attention.  
Transparency is my goal. 
... In EVERY aspect of my life. Time to make some changes.