Thursday, December 12, 2013

This Week

This week has been one of those weeks...

Where you just want to crawl into a hole and disappear until it all blows over.  It has been an emotionally draining week.  You know, one of those that you keep convincing yourself it can't get any worse..and the next minute it does.

I have been wallowing in a pity party since Saturday.  And have lost sleep.  Been absent in mind to my family.
It is a terribly selfish place to be.  And completely uncalled for.

Here are some of my mental discussions floating around my head...
I competed in a CrossFit competition this past weekend, and placed 3rd!  My goal was to finish on the podium and I busted my rear end through 5 different workouts to do just that.  I should have been overjoyed.  I should have been fired up to get back in the gym and work harder. I did what I came to do..

But...instead I spent a day getting caught up in the drama of losing 1st place in the last WOD...which raised questions among people who were there supporting me, because of a judging discrepancy.  And lost sight of the pure excitement of getting to compete.  Of meeting new friends that have the same competitive spirit and intensity as me and share in the same sport.  Of getting to put to work all of my practice in the gym up until then.  Of glorifying God through my health and love for performing. 

I once was told if I cannot celebrate the small victories in life, I need my a$$ kicked more often.  I needed a swift kick in the rear Sunday.  Thankfully we serve a gracious and merciful God whose mercies are new every morning. And who is not afraid to kick my a$$...because that is what I got!

Then...Blake caught some virus.  Then Jerad.

Then...I experienced an awakening of my harmful actions toward close friends.  I had to swallow my pride and open my eyes to my wrong doing.  That is never easy.  To be made aware of your shortcomings, and then have to face them head on, and then have to ask for forgiveness for them...from close friends.  It is an awkward, difficult, and wearing process that requires all involved to humble themselves and make change.  Change that might not be what you hoped or wanted...but what is best for everyone.  Change that will affect a friendship you held near and dear.  But once again, I chose to feel sorry for myself (see a pattern here?) and blame myself.  I chose not to seek God for answers and peace, but to try to make things better on my own.

Wrong.  I did not receive peace until I was forced to my knees.  Until I cast all of my cares at His feet.  And immediately a burden was lifted.  A load lightened.  The process to rebuilding the friendship will be a long one...but I can peacefully and hopefully move forward one step at a time.  Continually seeking God's direction.

NOT mine.

And finally...I was humbled as a parent this week as well.  I know my kids have shortcomings, and I have even come to terms with their delays (Down Syndrome, Asperger's)...but it still feels like a kick in the stomach when you learn your child is the bully.  When you learn that your child is the cause of another child's problems.  And you have to do something about it.  You have to be the mean mommy.  To take action.  To take corrective actions toward your own child. As she/he learns to change too.

 It has been a week of breaking down.  Of reevaluating where my priorities are.  Of humbling.  In every direction.

Not fun. Not easy.  But what I needed.

So as I close in on the end of this week. I choose not to let it defeat me.  I choose to hold my head up.  I choose to seek first the Kingdom of Heaven and all of His Righteousness...

Continually thanking God for a new day...

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