Thursday, January 22, 2015

The Thought Of...

"What if your "success, make a name for yourself, impact" on this world is to do NOTHING? What if my plans for you include quietly raising your children, at home, serving your husband, and praising me?  And that is all..."

*Silence* Minus the deep breathing erupting from my pursed lips...

This is usually the part where I say, "But..." 
Except for this time I don't...I sit.  Letting the Holy Spirit indwell my soul, speaking so deeply down to my core.  Echoing the previous acquisition..."what if?"                     "what if?"                 "what if?"

This is a battlefield in my mind lately.  Because as of late, God is challenging my previous way of thinking. Go big, or go home.  For God.  I was made to do big things for God.  Make a big loud noise.  A splash on this world.  Out loud.  For all to see...

But.... that's just the opposite of what I'm hearing now.  Or maybe just now listening too...not sure.
Going big for God is NOT going big for God by the world's standards.

It isn't a facebook status that screams to the world of God's power in my life--that changes many lives.  Or a proclamation of my salvation and testimony that turns hundreds of lives around.  It isn't an Instagram video that shows my kids reading their Bible and quoting Scripture, showing signs of holiness at an early age.  No.  It isn't me doing amazing feats with a barbell or gymnastics on the rings all while proclaiming the Gospel that changes hearts.  No. It isn't raising millions of dollars for a non-profit organization that serves orphans.  No.  It isn't being a role model in the fitness world. No. Or an inspiration to other mom'

None of these things are what I'm being called too. Right now.  You see, my depiction of "success" (yes, even in the ministry) has been squashed to pieces.  God is picking up each sliver of what I thought I knew to be success and questioning my motives in it. 

He is calling me to a new definition of success.
A definition I am battling.  Because to me it seems like a call to "nothing."
Yes, nothing by the world's standards. Or facebook standards. Or society's standards it seems like nothing.

But it is everything in God's grace.

It's as if He has been quietly, patiently waiting in the background for me to hear Him.  "I'm here.  When you get disappointed enough running around aimlessly trying to make something of yourself, let me know...I'll be here, waiting.  To speak truth into your heart and soul.  When you get tired enough, worn down and discouraged enough to hear my desires and plans for you, I'll be here.  Ready to whisper to your anxious heart.  To quiet the world's false claims, and to fill you with my promises....still waiting, longing for you to return to me..."

So here I am. 
With a rawness.  A fatigue that sets so deep within from years of running.  A vulnerability.  A weakness.  Almost a crawl.

Here I am, Lord.

And this is what you want me to do??  Rest?
Find peace and joy within my own family?  I should serve them, only?  That's who I am to make a big splash upon?  My own family?  That's it. (gasp)

But...(here we go again) that is no fun.  There is no pat on the back for that.  There is no immediate gratification. No validation.  No worldwide effect. 

Trust me.  I am doing a work in you.  

But...that is not "living out" your mission.  There are 1000's out there who still haven't heard the Gospel Orphans need saving.  Women role models in the fitness world are desperately needed to pave the way.  Platforms to proclaim your Gospel are around every corner.

Just sit.  Rest.  Be still.  Learn to find joy in me in the mundane.  In the day to day.  In serving your husband. In raising your kids.  I see all that you are doing.  That is enough.

And this cycle plays through my head sometimes on an hourly basis and sometimes on a daily or weekly basis.  Just depends on my fatigue level, stress level, lack of faith or trust, or inability to get into the Word that day...but it is there...

Reminding me I need God.  Because when I am weak, He can be strong.  And I'm needing Him to be strong for me lately.  Feeling rather needy, actually.  Which I am learning is the best place to be, by His standards.  Not the world's....yes, another lesson there to be battled.

But slowly the layers are being peeled back. One by one.  God is a God of redemption.  Of Hope.  And HE WANTS what is best for me.  I just have to be very observant of what lens I'm looking at my current situation through, in each moment.

God's or the Worlds.
(somedays this requires me to put both hands over my eyes, mouth, and ears...and just trust.)


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