Monday, July 8, 2013

1 is the Loneliest Number...or is it?

Or is it 3? Does having 3+ kids send most over the edge when considering invites...

(or at least having 3 little's that take up all your time and energy so you don't have any desire to do more if the invite does come your way)

Or is it a scenario?  Like having 3 kids, 2 of which have special needs...

Or is it adoption?  Does having to quarantine yourself from society the first few months home, make you unapproachable thereafter...

Or is it living in a small town with no family near?

Or is it not attending church or at least not attending church in the town you live in?

Or is it because you are an in-betweener?  You like to go out and have fun, but not get arrested...or judged by those who don't...

Or is it because after God has gotten a hold of your life and turned it upside down, inside and out...opened your eyes to things you can't scratch away... you all the sudden find yourself in a different place, with new and different views, approaches to life, and expectations for life and friendship...and family.

Or is it because you have put yourself in this place because it is easier, it is controlled, it is contained, and doable...

I'm not sure what makes the loneliest number.   But these ideas all roll around in my head at certain's like it cycles.  This feeling of loneliness.  Sometimes it stems from envy of others making plans to get together (without you) or from seeing vehicles at other people's houses sharing in each other's company...Sometimes it stems from the walls closing in on those days when the kids are fighting non-stop, the littlest one is crying for no reason, the dishes are piling up, and you can't get 1 minute to go to the bathroom alone. Sometimes it comes with the realization from your husband's poking fun, that the only conversation you have had with someone outside your home has come from a Facebook chat or text 2 days.  And that those conversations are your only hopes of maintaining sanity.  And then you think its because you have young children...everyone you used to hang out with has little kids too...its just a stage of life...its just a stage of life....maybe?? Time will tell.  Sometimes you put your 'poor' self in this box with your thoughts, out of pure selfishness.  Because that's just where you are at on that particular day. 

I don't know what it is.  But I feel like we have morphed into something new over the past year and a half and we are still struggling to get our feet.  Like we are coming out of a shell into a new world where we are having to start all over.  Our thoughts are different.  Our friendships feel different.  Our desires...our hopes...our expectations...our fun...

Who are we?
What do we do for fun now?
Who do we hang out with?
Why did we do that before?  Or I can't believe we considered that fun before...
How does this work?

How do you just start over?

We are still figuring this out.  But I do know feels like a lonely place.  A place where you don't feel understood.  Or where you seem completely different now, so much so that people aren't sure what to do with you...because different is messy and uncomfortable.  Not easy. 

Yes, yes, that is it...changed is the loneliest number. 

1 comment:

  1. I am sorry you are so lonely, if you lived close we could totally hang and I wouldn't care what your house or kids looked like for that matter well because I probably would look worse haha.