Monday, June 24, 2013

The Mean Mommy

I've caught myself saying this more lately.  I'm sorry, I'm the mean mommy.

But there's a reason.  All the sudden I feel like my kids have decided to join forces and gang up on me during the past few weeks of summer.  You see, summer is NOT really a 'fun' time for us.  I'm guessing a lot of parents of kids who NEED routine to help with anxiety, fear, control issues, behaviors, and aggression would agree with me.  This also coming from a parent who needs routine to stay sane.  Because, God help me, the past few weeks have driven me very closely to the 'in'-sane side. 

In addition, Leah is getting old enough to realize what other 'fun' things other kids and families her age are doing---and we aren't. 
"Well, so and so's mommy lets her have snow cones before bedtime every week!"

"Well, she gets a chocolate candy bar at the concession stand at the pool..."

"They are going camping this weekend...we arent!"

"She gets to have sleepovers and I don't..."

"She gets to stay up late and watch movies..."

"They get to go on vacation to the beach and fly in airplanes..."

And I get to figure out a far all I can come up with is "because I'm a mean mommy!"

How do you explain that we can't eat ice cream from Wendy's because it contains dairy...2/3 of my kids are allergic to it.
We can't do snow cones at night because bedtime is enough of a struggle without the added behaviors associated with red dyes and pure sugar...

We can't stay up late because my kids do not sleep well, and never sleep in.  In fact the later we go to bed, the earlier we get up.  Plus its all I can do most nights to keep my eyes open past 9:00 pm from pure exhaustion.  So the sooner the kids are asleep the sooner I can sit down for a few minutes.

We don't camp.  We don't even sleep in our own beds.  We awake at the sound of a pin drop, let alone a thunderstorm, or bugs buzzing around.  We have a child that elopes.  We have another child that is sensitive to every sound, most sounds you and I can't even hear.

TV stimulates the senses of a child with sensory issues already.  We stay up late to watch TV, we are bouncing off the walls, climbing the furniture and hanging from the ceiling fan, running our mouths at midnight...or we fall asleep early but wake up at 2 am screaming in anxiety and fear, in what's been labeled 'deferred panic and overstimulation.'

We can't even ride to McPherson in peace without having to stop 3 times along the way, and thats a 20 min drive...let alone a plane trip for several hours.

And I came up with the title "mean mommy" because quite honestly I feel like a mean mommy.  Withholding all of these 'pleasures' for the sake of my sanity and peace.  For the sake of my child's anxiety and fear, that they aren't aware results in being out of routine.  I feel like sometimes I put too much concern in what's easiest for me, than for just 'having fun!'  I will not lie, its hard seeing all of these other families running and gunning all summer long, bragging about late nights up, vacations, day trips, root beer floats at midnight, snow cones after ball hurts to tell my kids no we can't do that.  Or for not even bringing it up as an option.  Because quite honestly the repercussions that sometimes last for days, just. aren't. worth. it.  Or are they?  Have I just convinced myself that it will be bad or have I dealt with most of this long enough to know?  These are the struggles, the frustrations, the guilt, the worry.  Will my kids miss out?  Will they have the memories other kids do? 


Well, I broke down yesterday and we took all 3 kids to "Monsters University."  Cause I got brave for a brief minute and we jetted away to give being a "fun mommy" a try.

I'll share those details later, but the majority of the movie consisted of Blake "\koala'ed" around Jerad's neck with his hands and feet...while Jerad gave me these looks every time I returned from taking Autum to the potty, that said, "this was your idea....!!!"

1 comment:

  1. You are the BEST mommy! Don't get discouraged. I love your stories and your honesty. We are just doing the best we can without comparing ourselves to others and worrying about if you are denying your kids things. YOU are the mother that God meant your children to have. So don't worry so much!