This past week I have been overloaded with this sense of guilt.
Big. Fat. Ugly. Mommy. Guilt.
The kind that suffocates your every thought.
As I've let my mind wander to what I want to do when I grow up, I get all sorts of ideas. Because I love to live large...with big ideas, that is. (thank God for a husband who is grounded and more realistic) I think about the possibility of getting my Master's degree.... getting another Bachelor's in dietetics...or specializing more in my field of fitness. I think about working more once the kids are in school. Possibly expanding my business. Opening another gym. Or not. Or doing something altogether different. I think about training for the CrossFit Open that begins in February. The possibility of qualifying for Regionals this year. I think about all the time, sacrifice, and work I'm going to have to put into it...and can't wait! Really! I think about Jerad and I getting to travel some more. I think about getting out more, dates, playdates. I dream of having friends again. Doing more activities outside of our house, neighborhood, and town...with our kids. I daydream about car trips with less screaming and diaper changes. Of vacation memories. Ski trips. Camping.
Then it all comes back to me.
I'm here.
Now.
And somedays I just don't want to be here, now.
Then I have an internal argument about my selfishness and my personal desires.
And never really come to a conclusion.
My history tells me that so far in my life nothing I have ever planned has worked as I thought it would. Which is fine, I surrendered that to God a long time ago. But my heart (or maybe head, not sure yet) says to keep pushing, keep going, keep striving, do more, be more.
And part of this is just my nature. I'm a do'er! I love to be challenged, busy, and moving.
And part of this is our culture...pushing, pushing, pushing...
So where's the line? I realize my husband and my children are a priority. I know my husband should come first. Then my kids. But where do I come in as a priority? In a healthy way..
Or when is a good time to make myself a priority? Once they are in school? When they are young? Now? In 10 years? When they are out of the house?
Hmmm...obviously have some more praying to do...for discernment and wisdom. And also for contentment with life, as it is, right now.
Big. Fat. Ugly. Mommy. Guilt.
The kind that suffocates your every thought.
As I've let my mind wander to what I want to do when I grow up, I get all sorts of ideas. Because I love to live large...with big ideas, that is. (thank God for a husband who is grounded and more realistic) I think about the possibility of getting my Master's degree.... getting another Bachelor's in dietetics...or specializing more in my field of fitness. I think about working more once the kids are in school. Possibly expanding my business. Opening another gym. Or not. Or doing something altogether different. I think about training for the CrossFit Open that begins in February. The possibility of qualifying for Regionals this year. I think about all the time, sacrifice, and work I'm going to have to put into it...and can't wait! Really! I think about Jerad and I getting to travel some more. I think about getting out more, dates, playdates. I dream of having friends again. Doing more activities outside of our house, neighborhood, and town...with our kids. I daydream about car trips with less screaming and diaper changes. Of vacation memories. Ski trips. Camping.
I'm here.
Now.
And somedays I just don't want to be here, now.
Then I have an internal argument about my selfishness and my personal desires.
And never really come to a conclusion.
My history tells me that so far in my life nothing I have ever planned has worked as I thought it would. Which is fine, I surrendered that to God a long time ago. But my heart (or maybe head, not sure yet) says to keep pushing, keep going, keep striving, do more, be more.
And part of this is just my nature. I'm a do'er! I love to be challenged, busy, and moving.
And part of this is our culture...pushing, pushing, pushing...
So where's the line? I realize my husband and my children are a priority. I know my husband should come first. Then my kids. But where do I come in as a priority? In a healthy way..
Or when is a good time to make myself a priority? Once they are in school? When they are young? Now? In 10 years? When they are out of the house?
Hmmm...obviously have some more praying to do...for discernment and wisdom. And also for contentment with life, as it is, right now.
I am certain that every mother on the planet asks those exact questions. There is a tremendous ebb and flow to life that is entirely confusing, I think. Sometimes my "dreams" and "plans" were what got me through a particularily difficult period. Only to realize on the other side that I didn't REALLY want to do those things. :)
ReplyDeleteYou're a wonderful mom and wife. And friend! And a dozen other titles! Keep praying and I will too :)
It is obvious that you are a wonderful mother! Is it possible that your ambition also comes from God, and that in time you will see how your ambition and striving will also serve and benefit your family? Just a thought.
ReplyDelete