Sunday, March 4, 2012

Reoccurring theme

I swore from the beginning of this adoption process that I would not sugar-coat the process: either the good or the bad.  I will not lie to you, as of late I feel like we are experiencing the 'bad.'  DO NOT get me wrong, Blake is not the bad and does not represent the bad.  The bad is my adjusting to this new life. 

I'm tired.  Plain and simple.

And when I don't get sleep, everything seems magnified in nature.  And in this case, everything seems just hard right now.  I feel Satan's lies slipping in more easily.  I feel myself giving an ear to these lies more easily.  I fully believe Satan uses our physical weariness as a means to destroy and distract us just as much as he uses our emotional and mental weaknesses. 

You see, Blake is having lots of anxiety at night if we have had a day away from the house or out of our normal routine.  He will be up all night screaming and crying, inconsolably.   ALL NIGHT...and when he shares a room with Autum, that means she is up all night.  I have spent many a night running back and forth between cribs rubbing backs, replacing pacifiers, changing diapers, giving drinks, rocking, patting, massaging, consoling, singing, praying. praying. praying.

So to solve that problem.  We. don't. go. anywhere.  Church and the grocery store, back and forth to school, and that's about it.  We haven't socialized with friends in ages.  We have very limited time with family. 

We are laying low, you could say.  And this is hard for me. 

I knew I would be tired.  I have 3 "little's"--it goes with the territory. 
I knew I would get frustrated.
I knew it would be stressful. 
I knew there would be days when I would want to throw in the towel. 
I knew there would be days when I would close the door to my room and scream. 
I knew there would be days when I would just want to stay in bed and avoid facing the day.
I am there.

I have to remind myself that this suffering for Christ is only part of this temporary life.  God called us to adoption.  I know it.  He lead us to Blake.  He helped us defend the cause of the orphans by saving his life.  I know this. 

And with this, I know there will be suffering and trials and LOTS of spiritual battles.  Yet I know we are not alone.  We are not suffering for no reason.  We are suffering for Christ.  And with this I can rejoice and find hope.  We are suffering just as Christ suffered for us.  When I remember we are suffering for the greater cause, I regain perspective and realize that this is the journey we are on.  A journey that was never promised to be easy or comfortable, no.  But one that reaps a greater reward in Heaven, and for that I can breathe easier.


  1. Thanks for sharing. God DID lead you and He is still leading you. I pray He gives you strength beyond measure and supernatural grace to see the Big Picture among the diapers :) Bless you bless you bless you.

  2. Have you considered letting Blake sleep in a pack and play beside your bed? That is what we did for a while because our little girl was also having night terrors. It might help you get a little more sleep and not wake Autum up at night. If he is beside you you will be able to reach out and comfort him without having to get up. Josie (2 1/2 years old) has been home for almost nine months and she is now in a room with another child and no longer wakes up at night. It is hard at first but it will hopefully get better! Amy

  3. Anna,
    Again - love seeing your raw emotion, as I cannot imagine and it puts life in total perspective. I complain with two....and have nothing to complain about at all! Thank you for your honesty and how we can pray for you and the family. Praying for you!
    - Amy

  4. Praying for you! Thank you for sharing ALL parts of your adoption journey. You are amazing.