Cleaning House

This past weekend was a "staycation" for me.  That means my in-laws took the kids and Jerad and I stayed home.  (heavenly bells ringing, here)**

My goal was to do some deep cleaning, get caught up on workouts for people, clean up the yard, and just organize some things I haven't touched since we moved....

Well, God had other plans.  He instead chose to 'clean house' within me.  You see, I bought this book..."The Approval Fix," by Joyce Meyers, on a whim.  Well, it knocked my socks off.  The byline "how to break free from people pleasing" rang a bell within me and is what drew me to the book in the first place...I just wasn't planning to be spoken to so clearly and so sternly.  It's amazing what some quiet time, to truly focus, listen and be still, can do to a person's soul.  I feel like God had been working on my heart up until this weekend, slowly preparing me for what I was about to read.  Because things the book said, spoke so clearly to things already flowing through my mind and heart.  So here are a few excerpts to my "house cleaning"...definitely a lot of things I'm still processing...

I am a people-pleaser. Check. 

--Not so much that I need people's approval of me.  But that I need people to be happy and good.  I carry a huge burden around, unknowingly, to ensure that I make people feel good.  Or look good.  Or to be better.  And that same burden becomes an impossible yoke to carry when people are not happy.  Like it's my fault.  Like I did something or I did not do something to make them that way.  On one hand, this makes me very good at my job.  I will work my behind off to make sure someone gets the results they want in their fitness or health.  Guaranteed.  But at the same time, this sets me up for unnecessary, self-inflicted frustration and pain.

I have become an angry mommy.
--Especially toward Leah.  Her and I's relationship is what you would call "strained."  It is so hard for us to get along.  I've written about this before.  Being first-born, both of us stubborn.  She can get to me like no one else.  And I yell and lose control with her.  And I hate it.  I hate being mad.  I hate having to apologize over and over. I hate not being able to control my anger, especially lately.  What I hadn't connected is that a lot of my anger is related to not being able to 'please' her.  God spoke to me this weekend, helping me realize that a lot of times, I'm not mad at her...I'm mad that I can't help her.  I can't make her stop her behaviors, that even SHE can't control. (see HERE.)  I hate that.  It makes me mad.  I cannot make her happy, during those times.  Not at all.  It is what I'm good at, a gift I'd consider God has blessed me with.  And during our heated moments, what I'm good at, doesn't cut it.  And I carry that burden around.  And it is HEAVY....and it snowballs...and...it is NOT ONE I SHOULD BE TRYING TO CARRY MYSELF.  Why have I not released this before?  Why am I trying to control this part of my life too? 
-->There is more to this, I know God is still working on me with this one...but I can not wait to sit down and talk with Leah about this...and discuss how we are going to be praying together to ask God to help us grow closer...His way.  Already I feel lighter.








 I feel guilty about my gifts.
--I have been made aware of this downfall already, and know it is something I need to change.  But have not tied it in with my need for people to be happy.  Seriously..  I feel like God has given me a gift of fitness.  Yes, when there are people starving.  When there is plenty of room for advocacy in the special needs world.  When homeless need shelter.  When so many people need Jesus...I am being called to compete in fitness, to train really hard, to sacrifice a lot, to get better, to get to the next level. (this is my thought process, exactly) And I feel guilty about it!  God has nearly plopped so many opportunities in my lap in relation to my pursuit of this goal, after I got my priorities in order...read HERE.  I hate celebrating excessively after a personal best performance, or after winning a competition, or getting a skill for the first time...I down play when people compliment me, I deflect recognition.  I hate being center of attention.  And I think I'm realizing it is because I don't want people to feel inferior...to feel down or intimidated.  I want people to be 'happy.'  And if that means reducing my efforts and success, so be it.  WHOA!  God is revealing to me that this is sinful.  It isn't how He views me.  It isn't my responsibility to make people happy.  In fact, sometimes He makes people not like me for a purpose.  I need to have an everything-nothing attitude.  Everything in Christ. Nothing without Him.  That is my new thought process.  I will make it my platform as I pursue this calling in full force.  With confidence that God has called me to it.  Freely!

That's all I feel lead to share so far...but I'm guessing this is only the first layer.  Stay tuned for more, as I feel lead to share. :)

 "There's no need to be perfect to inspire others. 

 Let people be inspired by how you deal with your imperfections."