Monday, September 3, 2012

Survival Guide for Road Trips with Us

So a while back I wrote this post: A Survival Guide for My Home.

As I was driving back from Hutchinson, with the 2 "little's' in tow, Saturday night, I found myself thinking of how anyone would want to go on a road trip with us, based on the way this trip was going so far.

Here are a few things I'd advise you to do, before hitting the road with us!

1.  Find every excuse not to go.

2.  If that doesn't work, make sure and invest in the best pair of ear plugs money can buy.  The big kind you would wear at a rifle range just might do the trick.

3. Ignore the things I might throw from the front seat, where I'm driving, to the back seat, in hopes it will hit one of the kids and entertain them for a few minutes...or at least detain the crying or complaining for a moment or two.  Don't be surprised by keys flying by your face, writing pens, checkbooks, my flip-flop, crackers, lids off of cups, ice cubes, my wallet, credit cards, socks, the owner's manual out of the glove box, the floor mat, my hair bands, protein shakes, spoons, full bottles of water or juice, bags of wipes, a diaper, licorice bits, pieces from my lunch, ice packs, and on and on.

4. While we are on the subject of throwing things, it might not hurt to toss in a helmet while you are packing.  On a not-so-rare occasion, when Autum's in one of her moods, she will selflessly remove her shoe and fling it over the driver or passenger seat, in hopes of it knocking you upside the head.  And the girl has an arm and great aim!  Let me tell you...

5. Throw your watch out the door, because we actually plan NOT to arrive on time, ever, anywhere.  No point in setting yourself up for disappointment.  We will stop anywhere to use the restroom or change diapers, or to get out and scream.  Open fields, country roads, public restrooms, port-a-potty's, side of the road, overpasses, exit's...any excuse to get out of the rolling scream wagon or away from the "Are we there yet?" we first began hearing when our rear wheels hit the street outside of our driveway. 

6. You might consider stretching some before you get in the vehicle to leave, too.  You are going to need to be limbered up for as many times as you will have to climb over the seat, to get to someone in the back, who has lost something they think they need, right then.  ASAP.  On the double.  Chop. Chop.  There's a chance you will be sore.

7.  Leave the books at home.  And the magazines.  The Kindle.  There is no quiet time.  There is no opportunity to focus on words on a page.  In fact, you will probably have already handed (or chucked) the book or the electronic you thought you were going to get to delve into on to the back, in hopes it would knock a kid out and shut them up or at least provide entertainment for them as they rip one page out at a me at this point, you will pay any library fee for the damage done to the book, just to get some peace and quiet.

8.  Don't plan on eating the snacks you bring along.  And certainly don't plan on stopping at a drive-thru to grab a bite.  The little bite-size cookies the kids have portioned out for snacks while on the road will get dumped to the side as soon as they get a whiff of your cheesy, cheddar poufs, or catch sight of your chocolate, chewy cookies, or hear the slurp of your cherry limeade...nope.  All the sudden they will want your food.  Your drink.  And they will do whatever they need to do to get it.  So just leave it at home, or be prepared to pass it on back...

9.  Nose plugs might not be a bad idea either.  You see, we don't eat many cheesy cheddar poufs or chewy chocolate cookies at our they don't actually settle well in their tiny little guts.  No, they ferment.  They swell.  And they explode.  But not before filtering the air.  As soon as you hear Autum tap the window and yell "Peeee....Yuuuuu!  Bobby stinks!" and she has her head tilted to one side with her hand over her will reach for the window lock button as fast as you can.  Trying to look through your now, watery eyes, to get that darn window down....grasping for air.  Feeling the 'stink' infiltrate your clothes and hair, you finally get relief from the outside air.  Sometimes this requires us to drive a mile or two down the road with our heads out the window.  So throw in a hair tie or are going to need something to pull the hair out of your face after its wind-blown for 3 miles.

10. Don't give up complete hope for peace and quiet, though.  You will get it about 2 minutes from your destination as all 3 kids have tired out from whining, complaining, screaming, and crying and will enter a deep sleep. Finally! Just in time for you to wake them up again, and start the process all over again.  Just try your hardest to avoid thinking about the trip home in 2 just might send you over the edge.

So if this sounds like a dream of a road trip, then back your bags, I'll keep you posted where the next destination will be and when.  All aboard!

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