I Choose...

I am typing this blog with tears streaming down my face...my heart aching.  Stomach churning.
This is the week of the CrossFit Open.  2015.  My year. What I've been training for.  This has been my goal year for awhile now.  I've worked harder the past year than ever.  Reaching new goals.  New heights.  New weights.  New movements.  Checking off my lists of weaknesses.  No distractions.  Fully focused.  This is it.  The season starts, tomorrow night.

This is where my hard work pays off.  Where I lay it all down.  For the next 5 weeks, completing workouts, submitting scores against other people in my Region, in hopes of making it to Regionals in May.  Regionals.  My motivating factor through every sweaty workout, every 5:00 am wake-up call, every mental battle, every "I want to quit," every bruise, every ache and pain, every get back up again.  I just want to get there.  All my IG posts scream, "you can do this!"  "No excuses!"  "It's Now or Never!" "You earn what you put into it."  "If you work hard enough, your dreams will come true..." 

And I do.  I really do.  Hope they do.

Someday.  For sure, someday.
Just not any day soon.

My turning point came at a competition in December.  I was the oldest female athlete.  The only one with kids.  Most definitely the only one with 2 kids with special needs.  The only one married for double digit years.

Hmmm...where was everyone else my age?  With kids?
Not there.  Because this stage of life is hard.  Harder than any Open workout.  Life with "little's" is full-time.  Overtime.  All the time work.  And I was the only one crazy enough to try to do both.

The disbelief by the other competitors struck me.  How do I do it?  How do I make time?  How do I train hard and be a mom/wife?  While I felt honored to be able to share that I was doing it.  And it could be done...
I was convicted all at the same time.

And I couldn't shake this conviction.  That I wasn't really doing it all.  Well.
I prayed and wrestled with God for a month...what am I supposed to do? I can't possibly give up all I've worked so hard for, for so long.  I don't know what I would do if I didn't compete.  Competing is my motivation. My push.  My drive.  I live for it.

So I prayed for an answer.  A solution.  A way to do it all.
And it came...loud and clear one Sunday afternoon while I was praying for discernment as to what I should do about my CrossFit goals and my goals as a wife and mom.  And as clear as day, I felt the Holy Spirit say, "You will rest this year.  That is your big performance.  You will be done for now......I have bigger plans for you."

And this may be where I lose most of you.  Because I have doubted this clearly spoken directive, myself. Over and over.  But as soon as I surrendered to this, as soon as I said Lord, your will be done.  I want to follow you.  Obey you.  This goosebump like peace fell over my body.  And I knew this to be my decision.

I asked several people to pray over me in this decision as I knew it would be hard as the CrossFit season neared.  As people asked me if I was getting excited...and ready...and if I was going to get to Regionals this year.  Because I truly want to say, "YES! I'M READY...I'M GOING TO DO THIS! I am ready to make a name for myself, #homegym is ready to make a statement.  Prove my efforts. This is it!"

And I knew the battle would be hard.  I expected people not to understand.  Or buy my real lack of reasoning.
I am obviously struggling with it tonight.  It's tough.

But much more than I want to be known as a CrossFit athlete that is a mom and a wife and does it all...
I want to be known for not doing anything.  Transparent
Only as a humble servant of Christ.  Who honors her husband.  Guides her children.  Loves her Lord and Father.

More.

I love working out. And will continue to do so. Hard. Because that is a passion God has put in my heart.
But right now, under the umbrella of rest.  Sitting still.  Waiting.  
And this could quite possibly be the hardest workout I've done yet.  Because there are no banners screaming "do less."  "Be still."  "Rest."  "Be quiet."  "Seek nothing."  And no one encourages you to seek the slower, smaller route.  Because this type of workout, this resting piece,  requires faith.  Faith in things unseen.

Things hoped for.

Things of eternal value that carry no merit on this earth. And don't fill a scoreboard.  Or earn me points.  Sponsorships or recognition.  No, this workout involves more discipline, sacrifice, humility, stepping aside so God can work...effort. It requires hands-on parenting. Being purposeful with my husband.  Jobs I may never receive affirmation for this side of Heaven.  No measuring progress.  No immediate results.  All based on hope.  And faith and love.

And this, my friends, is the kind of workout I want to live for.