There's a Rumbling within Me

And no, it's not a rumbling like "you need to eat" growling.  Or a "you shouldn't have eaten so much" grumble. Ha!
But a stirring of the soul, you could say.

This feeling is very familiar to me...now.  It's hard to describe...like an unsettled, disturbed, inability to rest, deep within you feeling.  It's a nagging, almost. Constant.  It consumes your mind, your thoughts.  Depending on the day, this slow stirring can make me anxious, fearful, or excited.

You see.  This is the same feeling I dealt with for months before we committed to adopting Blake.  I just let go of my business, my identity, you could possibly say.  I had no direction.  Just wandering.  Feeling God's presence and guidance, but no clarity as to what and where and when.

I am back to that spot.  This rumbling within my soul, something is brewing beneath the surface.  I have NO idea what it is, but I now know where it is coming from.

It is the Holy Spirit.  I recognize the symptoms and now know the source.  Which is what bothers me and also excites me.  I am bothered because I have no idea what this rumbling is foreshadowing.  A valley or a hill?  Trial or tribulation?  It is just there. 

It hasn't chosen to rear its head yet.  But what I do know is...I need to pay attention to it.  I need to do some rearranging of my life so as to lend more time to listening, being still, and waiting.  More prayer, more fasting, more time in the Scriptures.  Because whatever this rumbling represents, it is going to be something big in our lives.  I just feel it.  I have experienced it once already. 

I don't feel it's related to adoption again, if you are wondering.  I haven't felt any pull that way as of yet.  Like I said before, I haven't felt any indication as to what it means or where its leading me too.

Just know that during this time of soul-searching on my part, I feel like I am wandering. I'm in a funk of sorts.  Irritated at everyone.  Confused by everything.  Indifferent to opinions.  Misunderstanding people's lack of concern for the voiceless. 

I'm in a scary place...the unknown.  A place with no answers.  It's hard to trust and obey when you are in this place.  Like I said, I have been here before.  Just don't know what the outcome will be yet.  So I will sit idly, wait fervently, and hope that light is soon shed.  Pray. Fast. Read.

Be still my soul, I pray.

This is the Stuff

Ohhh, this has been a doozy of a past few weeks. 

This week, especially, I keep finding myself slipping into that "woe is me" mood.  So as I was driving in the car yesterday this song popped into my head.  Let me replay the movie strip that played out in my mind as I was trucking along...

"This is the stuff that drives me crazy..."
--Like only getting 4 hours of sleep the past week
--A crying 1-year old waking up the rest of the house at 3 am
--A poopy diaper interrupting naptime (for me and Blake)
--Leaving a 2 lb. package of hamburger out on the counter overnight
--Not getting to run at all this week because of being so exhausted


"This is the stuff that is getting too me lately..."
--Like how much money we spend mindlessly when there are so many in need
--Like how little of concern is given by most to the orphans of this world
--By how distracted we get with all the 'fluff' of this world and how little time of prayer
--How little we understand of God's love, sovereignty, and might power, and therefore doubt it

"In the middle of my little mess..."
--Selfishness
--Bitterness
--Sadness
--Frustration

"I forget how BIG I am blessed..."
--With a loving, caring husband
--With 3 passionate, vibrant, spirited children
--With health and knowledge
--With hope in an All-Mighty Savior
--With loving, caring parents and in-laws
--Food to eat
--Roof over our head

"This is the stuff that gets under my skin..."
--Like Blake's labwork appointment being rescheduled for the 4th time
--Miscommunication
--All 3 kids all the sudden getting picky about what they will eat
--Endless laundry and dish piles

"But I've gotta trust you know exactly what you're doing..."
--And recognize my finite understanding
--Realize I am only human
--Get on my knees and pray
--Realize I am nothing apart from Christ
--Know there is a bigger purpose and plan
--Realize I am living in this epic story of good vs. evil and good will prevail

"Might not be what I would choose..."
--Sleepless nights
--Weariness
--Impatience
--Revealing my weaknesses
--Facing my pride issues
--Giving up my selfish ways


"But this is the stuff you use..."
--To draw me near to the Holy Spirit's leading
--To make me weak so He can be strong
--To give me quiet time to pray in the stillness of the night
--To reveal your will and your way within me
--To glorify yourself
--To help get my attention

So...thank you Francesca Battistelli for giving me a wake-up call yesterday while I wallowed in self-pity on my way to work.  I needed the splash of cold water to bring me back to my senses.
Amen.

That Thing You Do

Of all the things I have loved about our adoption of Blake, including his cute little kissable face I get to squeeze each morning, is probably my husband.  In fact, this is probably the one thing I love most about all of our kids, now that I think of it. 

We are not the PDA, make you gag, get a room kind of lovey-dovey couple.
You won't hear me calling him Lover Boy.  Or him calling me Sweet Pea.
We are not an extravagant, over the top, type of couple.

We got married young.  We had no idea what our future would hold, but we had high hopes and endless dreams.  We were adventurous and still are.  We spend our time together kayaking, hiking, fishing, camping, four-wheeling, boating, white water rafting, etc.  Those used to be the things I loved about Jerad most, was the adventurous times we shared and mutually enjoyed. 

That was until we had our kids.

I often catch myself looking at our children and looking at Jerad. I just smile thinking that we made these little kiddos together.  We did this.  It gives me this feeling of fullness and warmth inside...it fills my cup.  Now don't get me wrong, there are days when Leah gets her head-shaking, sassy talk, naughty self in a bind and she suddenly becomes HIS CHILD!  But usually, my emotions are filled with joy.

Nothing makes me love my husband more than watching him interact with our children.  Nothing makes me love him more than when he walks in the back door after work and all 3 children screech in excitement as they run up to him with open arms anxiously awaiting a bear hug. Now don't get me wrong, there are days Jerad is greeted in less than desirable ways, like when Leah's in her room throwing a fit, Autum is banging on the fridge door screaming for more chocolate chips, and Blake's in his high chair yelling for more snacks.

Nothing makes me love him more than when he makes sure to spend time with each child.  Like when he scoops up Autum and tickles her little chin, and she belly laughs so hard, her pacifier pops out.  Or when he gets Leah in a wrestling hold and tickles her thighs so much that she kicks and screams that she is going to pee her pants.  Or when he throws Blake so high in the air and he gets to coughing because he is giggling so hard in excitement. 

Nothing makes me love him more than when he observes that I need a break.  When he encourages me to get out of the house.  When he notices, even before I do, that I need some 'me' time.  And lately these days have become more needed.  When he says "what do you need me to do?" My response is usually "let's see, where do I start?"  When he sometimes tells me to stay in bed and he'll go tend to the babies when they are up multiple times in a night.  When I am in a 'poor-me' attitude and he reminds me that we are in this together. 

But what I absolutely, positively, love the most is my husband's gigantic heart.  He likes to pretend he is an outdoor manly man who likes to hunt and fish.  And I'll continue to let him put on this front, as long as I continue to get glimpses of his big 'ol heart. A heart that loves me and my ratty old sweatpants and obsession with working out.  A heart that puts up with my head in the clouds' ideas.  A heart that loves our kids.  A heart that was burdened by orphans.  A heart that was softened to poverty.  A heart that recognizes our selfish ways. A heart that wants to change.  A heart that hurts for what makes Christ's heart hurt.  A heart that burdens to help others.

This adoption has brought us closer in so many, probably unspoken ways.  I can hardly contain myself when I  think about how much Jerad has grown to love Blake.  How he has completely opened his heart to this little boy.  How he has never looked back upon our decision to make him ours.  How he treats him just like our girls.  How he has big hopes and dreams for Blake's future.  How he is concerned with what I dress him in.  How he makes sure Blake uses the blue towels, not pink ones after a bath.  How he doesn't use a princess pacifier.  How he has his own cozy coupe truck.  How he has his own camouflage.  How he verbalizes all the things he and Blake will be able to do together in another year or so.

How he is wrapped around Blake's finger in only 3 month's time.
And probably by how much Blake loves Jerad.

Ahhh, just makes me smile thinking about it.  I do not need fancy jewelry, big gifts, or luxurious vacations (although it would be nice sometime in the future) to feel Jerad's love.  I just need to see a little boy with Down Syndrome crawl over to his daddy, wrap his arms around his neck, and give a drool-filled, tongue out kiss on his cheek to be reminded of why I married this man nearly 8 years ago.

Running

As I was thinking of all the reason's why we have been so busy, all I could come up with is that we have been running!  Running in so many ways.
**sidenote: If I miss a few 'o's in this blogpost, I apologize now, it's because Autum ripped the 'o' key off the keyboard while daddy was 'babysitting' one night and now it only works if you stop and pound it with your finger.. :)

 Now back to running...here's a rundown (no pun intended):

Miss Autum is literally running now.  She no longer walks with her hands out front like Frankenstein.  She loves to run really fast into the room when Blake wakes up from his nap.  She screeches and waves her hands and gets so excited to see him peeking over the edge of the crib.  She loves to run into the street when we play outside.  That girl! If you turn around for one minute, she's on her way to the street. Makes a mommy have a heart attack! She has been running as a tag-along to everyone else's events and appointments.

Mr. Blake is running on his feet behind a push-toy.  He can really get going now.  He still walks and runs very stiff-legged, but we are making some HUGE progress with leg strength.  He has even taken a few steps without assistance.  He bear crawls backward to a wall or chair, slowly stands up and gets his balance...gets a big smile on his face, raises his hands in the air and takes off!  He usually gets 2-3 steps in before he lunges into my or Jerad's lap.  Just in time to back it up and do it again...and again...and again...He now weighs 21 lbs. and is 30 inches long.  He is up 1 lb. since our Embassy appointment in November and has grown nearly 1 inch as well.  He ran with me to his first cardiologist appointment this week as well.  He has one small ASD, but the cardiologist determined it wasn't enough to worry about now.  We will be heading back for a check-up in 18 months.  We have met 2 of our Early Intervention goals as well.  Blake DOESN'T run away when we pick up a book now, he crawls right into our laps and starts pointing and interacting with the textures on the pages.  He is also beginning to communicate and make eye contact.  He DOESN'T run away with his snack at snack time, he'll sit and enjoy everyone's company now.  He will sign 'want' when he is ready for more and he will look at us now while he's doing it.  He and I will be running to his opthamologist, EN&T, and pulmonologist in the next few weeks. 

Miss Leah is running to all of her social events.  She wakes up running...she has since the day she was born.  She runs around the house, runs in place while eating breakfast, runs around in between brief moments of watching cartoons, runs into her room to try on 40 different outfits in a day, runs to AWANA club, runs to play dates with friends, runs to daycare a few days a week, runs to Junior Cheerleading Squad practice,  runs to Sunday School, runs to the library, runs to greet her daddy when he gets home from work each day, runs from mommy when she is in trouble, runs to gymnastics, runs from her chore list...

I am running in and between all of these kids as well as on my own.  My running comes in many different efforts. I run 2-3 mornings a week with a friend, it is my only 'me' time.  Which is why I have to get up at the crack of dawn to make it mine!  I run around getting kids ready for the day.  I run my patience thin, when Autum decides to get into the flowing shower water (which was meant for me) one morning, after I get her dressed and her shoes on before leaving for work.  I am running to work 2 days a week again, now.  I most recently ran out of our walk-in shower trying to catch Autum after she decided to join me.  After I stripped her out of her soaked footie pajamas to join me, she proceeded to squat down and poop on the shower floor and my foot and streak out of the shower and out into our bedroom.  The chase was on.  I am also running Blake to all of his medical appointments, running between phone calls to our insurance company to make sure all of these specialists are covered.  Running between conversations with Jerad about setting up our estate plan for Blake and the girls.  Running Leah to school (literally we walk almost everyday) and then picking her up.  Running after Blake, as his new infatuation with our trash cans, is leading to a dirty mess everywhere.  Running to see what teeny, tiny Barbie accessory Autum has chosen to put in her mouth after playing in Leah's room.  My brain is constantly running wondering if I have forgotten anything, why both babies didn't sleep the night before, why Blake has so much anxiety around large crowds of people all the sudden now, why Autum likes to bite Blake, why Leah has started shaking her neck and responding with a new level of sass at my every request, how I am going to train for any running races or triathlons this year, what I am going to cook for supper, when we will ever be able to attend church again with Blake, if Jerad is feeling neglected in all of this craziness, what Leah needs for attention each day to fill her cup. 

Jerad is running just as much as me.  He is running to work every morning.  He runs back inside to grab his newly-prescribed glasses that he is not used to wearing yet. He runs fast enough to get to the local grocery store for biscuits and gravy before his workday begins.  I can't imagine why, when he can sit in the screaming, noise level 10, chaotic kitchen while I try to get everyone around, and eat mushy cereal, warm milk, and reheated 5 times hot chocolate.  He then runs home from work, and is greeted by 3 running kids anxious to see him.  He runs to change his dirt-covered clothes to sweats so he and Leah can complete their nightly wrestling match.  He then runs downstairs to run on the treadmill and lift some weights and unwind.  He then runs up the stairs when he hears me and everyone else falling apart at dinner time.  He runs to a quick shower.  Runs to clean up supper.  Runs to help me get 3 kids bathed.  Runs to help get bedtime routine going.  Runs to bed at the first hint of quiet in the house!

We are running.  We are running to a lot of things, running away from others, and yet feel like time is running from us.  Phew...now to rest before Round 2 of running begins for the day.